Sometimes, I think I chose the transparent life.
Mostly, I think the transparent life chose me.
I still remember the first time I felt the leading of the Holy Spirit on my heart. I hadn’t been a Christian more than about two years and I was sitting in a crowded, hot room one night in California.
How I ended up in that room, that night is a story for the books. It was the first time the Holy Spirit took over my voice and I said yes to going to church camp when I had fully intended to say no. I was this sullen, angry teenager. Hell-bent on making every authority figure in my life fearful of me. I was not a fan of the church.
But you know, the joy of the Lord is my strength.
So I was sitting in this room that I never intended to be in, experiencing what I can only describe as the impulse of the Holy Spirit.
Most people talk about the Spirit as this mystic being that gently leads followers of Christ to where they should go and what they should do.
No. Just no.
Homeboy, I have no idea what anyone is talking about.
The Spirit is not gentle. Not in my life. It is straight-up the most impulsive feeling I have ever experienced.
Because it’s been ten years since that night in California and God hasn’t changed the way the Spirit moves in my life.
For everyone else in that room, they saw a small girl sharing her transparency for the first time. How she was hurting herself. How much she wanted to die. The tears rolling down her cheeks.
But my heart in that moment? Oh, the Holy Spirit did for the first time what it’s done ever since. The joy bounced around my chest in a way that took my breath away. It felt like a hand reached out and grabbed my heart, my only response being impulsive. I opened my mouth.
With everything that’s been going on in my life lately, I’ve been trying to find clarity in how to follow God faithfully. And it’s remarkably simple. God is not a God of confusion. When the time is right, He makes the path clear. If the path is not clear, it’s because you’re not ready for the answer.
My journals lately have been full of prayers for my future husband. I’ve never done this before, not really. Pray for him. Talk to God about him. Up until about three years ago, I never wanted marriage. And if I’m being truly transparent, it’s because I never wanted to be disappointed. I never wanted to desire something that I might never receive.
My heart has been grieved enough.
But in the last few weeks, I’ve felt that impulsive nature of the Holy Spirit. That hand has stopped me in the middle of a work day to write out a quick prayer. I sat in a movie theater when that hand grabbed my heart and I prayed for him again. My journals are full of previously unspoken and unknown desires.
I’m not really sure what the Spirit is doing in my life but something is moving in my heart.
To this day, I have no idea why it was so important that I spoke up and shared my story that night in California but it really doesn’t matter. I’ve been serving God impulsively ever since.