Doppelgangers

I’ve been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother for the last week or so and what I find so fascinating about the show is this idea of doppelgangers.

A doppelganger is someone who looks like someone else. A twin of sorts that is not biologically-related to the person they look like.

In the show, the main character says that we all eventually become doppelgangers of who we used to be. People that look like us but aren’t our old selves.

I was staring at myself in the mirror the other day with this eerie feeling that I was staring at a doppelganger of myself.

I’m not who I used to be.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any given amount of time, you know this year’s been rough. You can’t come out of a mental health crisis not changed.

I’ve been bent and broken, twisted and undone in ways I never imagined. I was recently asked to detail the whole ordeal for a major publication and while what I wrote was probably one of the most heartfelt things I’ve ever written, it left me in a puddle of sobbing goo.

This is what life does to us. It bends and breaks us, twists and undoes us until we come out as doppelgangers of who we were before.

I’m a bit more serious than I was. A little bit less self-involved. I serve differently, talk differently. I’ve become more reserved. I pull back a little more.

This week a year ago, I was starting my life over. I spent the days before crying over how much I was going to miss my home, my church, my friends. I cried over a guy that wouldn’t pursue me. A guy I still wish would make a move. I cried because leaving meant he never would.

I didn’t know how bad it was going to get. I didn’t know my life was going to head the direction it did. I just knew I was doing what God had asked of me. It was all I could do.

A year later, I’m healthy for the first time in years. My heart rests in ways it never has. The dust has settled.

I’m not who I used to be.

Neither are you.

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