Inconvenient.

All life-changing love is inconvenient. – Tim Keller

I could probably just begin and end my blog post with that.

A few months ago, God started to ask me to get involved with prison ministry.

My answer was a curt “no” and nothing more.

God just got louder.

If I’m honest, I just felt myself sinking into this wonderful, comfortable place I had never been in before. I’m the girl of chaos, starting waves wherever I go. My hope was that one day, I’d reach this place where I could learn the discipline of contentment, settling into the season God had me in without me trying to make messes of nothing. And I had finally achieved that! Maturity had arrived within myself. I was growing up. I was becoming the type of person I had always been baffled by. The kind with community and steady walks with Christ. The quiet, insightful woman I knew I could be.

But something was missing. The interesting thing about treatment for schizophrenia is that it reconciles you to yourself. I have felt the pieces of myself come back over the last year in beautiful ways. I touch my heart and I know it’s me inside. I found another piece of myself a few weeks ago. It’s a piece of myself that I haven’t seen in over ten years.

It was the story of me and Robbie, a guy who is really just a representation of the type of person I always seemed to engage with. Robbie had an awful reputation. He was violent, addicted to hardcore drugs and had schizophrenia. Classmates would comment that he was sure to shoot up the school. Teachers were scared of him and avoided any sort of confrontation. He was a bad guy.

He was also my friend.

I remember people warning me about him, how dangerous he was. I wasn’t stupid. We never hung out alone. But we talked a lot. He talked about wanting to die, his home life, what he thought of the world. I shared my faith with him, validated his feelings, listened. Outwardly, we were so different but in getting to know him, I saw he was a kindred spirit. Particularly now with my own diagnosis of schizophrenia, I saw there was more common ground than not.

I had a knack for befriending people who start trouble. Most of the friends I had with Robbie’s pedigree have died, many by murder. It was the nature of the lives they chose to live. I never did find out what happened to Robbie. We lost touch after a few years. The last time I saw him, he was happier. He looked healthier.

People were still scared of Robbie. Some people will always be scared of people like Robbie.

All life-changing love is inconvenient. That statement keeps running around my head. I have been so comfortable in the last few months. But God doesn’t ask us to stay there. We don’t grow that way.

All life-changing love is inconvenient. I don’t know what to expect from getting involved in the lives of prisoners but I don’t really need to know in order to be obedient. All I need to do is say yes.

Advertisements

A Prayer in the darkness

Nobody taught me how to pray and it really wasn’t modeled for me at home. Prayer, for me, was this way of learning God’s heart. I would submit a desire to God and watch how He would either affirm or deny the desires of my heart by changing me from within.

I’ve learned this practice is uncommon among Christians. It is far more common to attempt to pray in a way that pleases God. But God and I have had an uncommon relationship. He is my best friend, no exaggeration, so I have always spoken to Him candidly. My prayers are neither long nor eloquent. I have often felt out of the ordinary in Christian circles because I don’t multiply my words.

****

A lot has been on my mind lately. Last year, I watched several visions come true from seven years ago that, when I had these visions years ago, I immediately dismissed as false. Without drawing out specifics, the visions stated that I would marry someone I wasn’t particularly a fan of. Vision after vision came true in a matter of months, leading me to believe that ultimately, I would marry this man. A man I was not a fan of.

Despite my feelings against this man, I continually submitted to God. My gut spoke against this man, this was not a good match for me. I struggled to reconcile how my best friend could expect me to marry someone I didn’t like. But I chose God, so I waited for the fulfillment of the visions. Right up until the day he married someone else.

I was so certain that I had done everything right but as God so tactfully told me earlier this week, I had missed the point.

You can’t marry someone if you never actually choose them.

I had chosen God but I had never chosen the man.

****

I learned early on in life to trust my gut. I’m rarely wrong. So when I met him at 19 and liked him right away, I trusted God to make the connection. I wasn’t sure if he liked me back but I distinctly remember his mom whispering to another woman, that woman pointing at me and then his mom calling me by name. When we had never met before. I made the educated guess that he had told his mom about me. He liked me. He had to.

So I waited for him to do something. He never did.

****

Recently, I decided to pray that God would give me the man I did want to be with. I prayed every day for this man. I told no one what I was praying for. I was sure no one would understand what I was doing. I knew that God would either affirm or deny my desires and I needed answers. For seven years, I had had feelings for this man that was built on nothing more  than a gut instinct that this was a man worth my time and energy.

For the first time ever, God didn’t affirm or deny my desires. He gave me contentment in Christ, this deep thirst for Him. My desires had changed. I still wanted to be with this man but not as much as Jesus.

It was a miracle.

****

Over the last year, I have had several false starts with guys. Honestly, I find myself attracted to men but my gut always says the same thing: this isn’t it. The chemistry fizzles, the flirting fades and I’m left with the eventual conclusion that it didn’t matter anyway.

I know people will argue with me on this but I want to know in my gut that it’s right. When you know, you know.

I may have not chosen the man I had visions about but I’d choose the man I’ve prayed for a million times over.

I just hope one day, he chooses me too.