Once a month, I attend a women’s group through my church. We share what’s going on in our lives, what we’re struggling with, what victories we’ve had. Slowly but surely, I am learning to let these girls into my heart.
There’s one thing I haven’t shared with anyone. It’s not that I stopped believing in God; I just stopped believing I mattered to Him. My prayer life was dry and my bible reading was a headache. I started to doubt that God cared about my coming and going. I felt insignificant, like I wasn’t on His radar. And why should I be? I have nothing to offer Him.
So I’m sitting in this women’s group and we’re talking about marriage and someone asks me why I want to get married. And I respond by saying I want a partner to help me do the dishes and pay the bills, pick up the slack so that I don’t have to do it alone. And she responds by saying those aren’t very good reasons to marry someone. A maid could do most of what I’m looking for. She doesn’t tell me what I should be looking for but I break down anyway.
I don’t believe anyone will love me. I don’t believe anyone will be jealous for me. I can’t imagine anyone thinking of me and smiling or praying for my well-being. I give so much of myself to other people, encouraging, helping, praying but I never expect anything in return. It’s not selfless. It’s because I don’t expect anyone to love me back.
My friend suggested that I ask God why I would need a husband. What His heart is for marriage. Because I’ve studied marriage at length but something isn’t connecting. So I asked Him.
A few days later, I was sitting in this meeting surrounded by sixty plus people when I felt God in the room. And He was beckoning to me, I love you, do you not know how much I love you.
In this room full of people, I started crying. I felt like I was 13 again. I remember it vividly, sitting in that church and the pastor was talking about grace, that I didn’t have to earn God in order for Him to love me. No one had ever told me that before.
God loves me. He is jealous for me and chases after me when I stray. He takes care of my needs and considers my wants. He loves me because He wants to, not because of anything I’ve done.
No one can love me like God does but could I believe that my friends and family love me? Could I believe a man would love me? Honestly, I believe the reason I’m not married is because I don’t ever believe anyone loves me. I don’t believe anyone thinks fondly of me. I love others because that’s what God has done in my heart. Could I allow others to love me? Could I be that vulnerable?
It’ll be the scariest thing I’ve ever done but I think God is asking me to go there.