Dear John

I don’t know about you but from time to time, I get these moments where I captivated by the Holy Spirit over something that apparently needs to be addressed. It usually comes out of nowhere. I usually cry. I move on.

I should backtrack. For eight years, I had massive feelings for a friend. About five years into this crush, I heard from mutual friends that he liked me. Me, being the bold person that I am, decided that I would tell him how I feel. It seemed like a sure thing that this would work out.

It didn’t. He rejected me. He was one of those guys that needs to hear from God before he’ll date someone. He said God didn’t tell him to date me so he said no.

I found out later he regretted it. I found out later that he wished he had said yes.

We stayed friends for several years after that. He was a source of support when I got really sick. I waited for him, holding out hope that he would make a move. I initiated every conversation, anxiously trying to give him ample opportunity to make a move.

He told me what a Godly woman I was. He told me how beautiful my spirit was. He said he liked how honest I was.

But he never made a move.

I stressed over this. But I couldn’t make a move again. I just couldn’t.

It was during this summer that I started to realize I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t put myself out there and get nothing in return. I sent him a message, telling him how grateful I was that he had been there for me when I got sick, that I would never forget it.

He said of course, that he would always be there for me. That he was happy that I was better.

But he didn’t make a move.

I made the difficult decision to let him go. I deleted him from my Facebook and moved on with my life.

But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. – 1 Corinthians 13:10-11

Walking away felt a little like dying. I’ve moved on from other guys before but it had never felt like this. It felt like I was growing up.

So back to yesterday. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk at work when I was hit with a wave of emotions. I imagined myself having a conversation with him, explaining to him why I walked away. Why I ended our friendship. I felt his sadness, his regret. I felt myself moving on.

Recently, I’ve been going back and forth between making a move and waiting on the guy. My experience with him made me realize how much I need to know I don’t have to be the first one to say something. It’s not about being entitled. He made me feel like I had to earn his attention. It was like he was waiting for me to say something before he would do anything. It was unfair to me.

I’ve written a letter to him that I’ll never send. I’ve moved on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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