Mean.

You ever really, really like someone?

You love talking to them.

You think of them when they’re not around.

There’s that small smile that creeps on your face when they walk into a room.

You like everything about them.

And then one day, the glass shatters.

They’re bossy.

They’re always late (or early).

They make dorky jokes.

If you’ve known them long enough, you start to see them in different seasons of their life.

You see when they’re frustrated or drained.

You see when they’re trying too hard or they’re insecure.

A lot of people back out when they start to see the fractures in a person and sometimes, there are really good reasons for that. And sometimes, it’s really stupid.

I love the moment when I realize I don’t like everything about someone. It’s real. It means you’re secure enough to stay with someone’s mess.

***

God is mean.

Here’s the thing: God is good. True good. His ways are perfect.

But as I was driving home in my car yesterday, sobbing over how frustrated I am, I told God He was mean.

Why do you hate me so much?

Why did God tell Joseph his family would bow down to him and then imprison him?

Why would God ask Abraham to sacrifice his only son after promising to make him a great nation?

Was it fair, that David could have a dream to build a great temple for God and God said no? Why let him dream in the first place?

Paul had a dream to go to Asia. God said no.

God told Jacob he would become a great nation. Jacob never saw the promises God showed him.

The Israelites were promised the Messiah and waited hundreds of years, dying before they ever saw the promise.

These all died in faith without having received the promises, but they saw them from a distance, greeted them, and confessed that they were foreigners and temporary residents on the earth. – Hebrews 11:13

I’ve had God speak two promises into my life and neither one has come true.

What happens if the job He promised me never comes to fruition?

I still remember walking down those halls. I remember how I felt. I was there by mistake, by chance but it didn’t matter. Every door I’ve tried to open God has closed. Eventually, I became so bruised by the experience, I licked my wounds and gave up.

What happens if the husband He has been preparing and making right for me decides I’m just too much? What if I’m just too damn much for him?

I really want to say that God can’t be that mean to make promises and then not let me see them come true but we know that’s not true.

We know God makes things really difficult for our ultimate good. And wrestling in that reality of His character makes our relationship with Him real.

I just wish God wasn’t so good all the time. Sometimes, I just want Him to be fair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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