About a month ago, I made a decision to shave my head. It had been a slow progression towards this decision. A few weeks before I went into the hospital, I had my hair shaved into a a long mohawk. I had hair down past my shoulders. I spent every other day blowing it out. I would look in the mirror and see this very seductive-looking woman staring back at me.
I hated it.
I’m a rare breed. I rarely ware makeup, aside from tinted chapstick. I wear dresses, not because I’m girly but because they’re just so easy. My nail polish is almost always chipped and I only shower about 3 times a week.
Ever since I could remember, I have wanted to be different. I’ve wanted to be the pretty blonde that goes hiking, drinks smoothies, always looks effortlessly put together. Forget adding disability into the mix.
I think it’s because just about every guy I have ever liked has ended up with a girl like that. I must have a radar for them. I thought if I could look like one of these girls, I’d finally win the guy.
So I got blow outs and wore makeup. I got manicures and pedicures and always made my outfits were totally calculated.
I was so unhappy.
(This is no judgment against women. These are my experiences, not yours.)
But as I was striving towards becoming this woman, I was also collecting tattoos and piercings. Sometimes, I would pick the clothes I really wanted to wear.
I was at war with myself, fighting between wanting to win my dream guy and falling more in love with Jesus every day.
Because the reality is, the more in love I became with Jesus, the more I started to look like myself. I stopped wearing makeup. I changed my clothes. And finally, one day I exploded with more love than I knew what to do with myself and shaved my head.
I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time.
Women love to talk about Ruth and Boaz. We talk about how Boaz saw Ruth’s beauty from afar. But when the bible talks about Ruth’s beauty, it isn’t talking about the length of her hair or her banging body.
No, Boaz notices how hard she works. He hears her story from other people and finds that beautiful. He sees how she responds to suffering. He sees her loyalty and grace.
Sometimes, I catch myself staring in the mirror. I’m blown away by how beautiful I look. Not in an egotistical way, mind you. I see this girl who stopped fighting her need to be loved by her dream guy and became this beautiful, strong, insightful woman. I see Jesus flowing out of me when I look in the mirror.
Shaving my head was this very loud way of saying “Yes, Lord. You are greater.”
I still fall for the guy that wants the cute blonde but honestly, I want the guy who is so in love with Jesus that when he looks at me, he sees Christ and runs after me. I don’t want the one track mind guy anymore.
I write for a magazine and in the first article I wrote, I said:
The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that I cannot advocate my way into the heart of another….The person sitting across from me either accepts all of who I am or he doesn’t.
I’m very sensitive when I notice that a guy I like is only interested in the type of girl I’ll never be. I want to push, argue my way into his heart but I don’t do that anymore.
Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” – 1 Cor 1:31
More than anything, if I get married, I want it to be because the man saw Christ living in me and said I want her by my side.
Looks fade. Abilities change. Priorities shift.
Choose the girl who wants Jesus more than she wants to please you. She’s beautiful.