Mistakes

I was sitting in my therapist’s office, explaining to him why I push.

I’m an advocate. I told him, as if that explained everything.

And advocates are results-oriented. He responded.

Yes!! Absolutely!!! I want to know that what I do has an effect.

He smiled at me. But results aren’t in your control. That’s God’s job.

I knew he was right. I have an issue with knowing my boundaries as a human. I want to have God’s authority, instead of trusting that His will and timing is better.

***

Remember when you got your heart broken by your first love? And you wanted so desperately for that person to come running back and say how sorry they were that they had let you go.

They had made a mistake. They were wrong.

But that never happened so eventually you moved on.

I hate to say it but you have a small window of opportunity after you break someone’s heart to get them back. And the worst part is that you don’t know when that window will appear and disappear.

You just have to say something.

***

The therapy I’m doing is called Reactive Emotive Therapy (RET). Basically, it teaches you to retrain your thoughts from illogical to logical. It’s been super helpful in managing my mental illness. Schizophrenia is a thought-processing disorder, so using practical tools to reduce wrong connections has been a lifesaver.

My community group has this saying, Facts not Feelings. I like it a lot.

I’ve been mulling over that saying for awhile. What does that mean when you’re trying to date someone?

I’m not discounting feelings. I think euphoria and warm thoughts can be wonderful but love has to ultimately be built on facts. That’s not a worldly perspective but a wise one.

You choose to love the person you’re with based on who they are and who Jesus is.

My community group was talking about marriage a few weeks ago and I made a point of saying that we are most attracted to another person based on what we love most about God.

For me, that means:

  • Grace
  • Gentlenesss
  • Protective
  • Self-controlled
  • Takes care/Meets needs

But what happens if you meet someone who reflects the things you’re looking for, the facts that show this person is worth getting involved with and they say they don’t feel that way about you?

And you’re staring at a computer screen, going who cares? What do you believe about my character, about what I reflect about Christ?

I think we make dating far too complicated. First, there must be physical attraction, then chemistry, then we look at their character.

Here’s the deal: No one looks smoking hot at 80. Truthfully, physical attraction can grow. Chemistry, real God-honoring chemistry, is built on years of intimacy.

People who value physical attraction and chemistry before character marry someone for their potential, not their reality.

Facts not feelings.

***

Despite my failed attempts at dating and moving on, this window is very much open.

So if someone wanted to say they made a mistake, I would not object.

But honestly, I’m still making moves forward. Because if I learned anything from my first love, it’s that you can’t advocate your way into another person’s heart. You can only be honest with how you’re feeling and hope the other person honors you, regardless of how they feel back.

But seriously, the word feeling is the worst.

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