Prayers

I don’t talk about Ben much these days. I think I’ve moved on past that time in my life but then something will happen and I’ll be brought back to being 21 and in love with one of my favorite people.

When I met Ben, he was trying to win back his ex-girlfriend. He wouldn’t quite admit it but we all knew.

Ashley was probably one of the most selfless people I knew. She would do anything, for anyone, without expectation of anything in return. But she had one glaring flaw. And that was Ben.

Ben did anything for her. He helped her whenever she needed it. They texted back and forth. For her birthday, he single-handedly planned a surprise party for her with all of her favorite things.

He wanted to be the person who took care of her.

My heart broke for him. I was angry but friends with both of them. Ben was the first person I ever interceded for in prayer. I prayed heavily for his heart. I prayed Ashley would take him back.

It never worked out and eventually, we all grew up and moved on.

At the end of the day, it was my heart that got broken.

***

Pray for his wife. She told me one night.

My stomach twisted. I didn’t want to pray for his wife.

Ben and I were in a mess of a situation. I was drowning in a puddle of heartbreak and despair. I needed a way out.

If you really love him, you’ll pray for his wife. She repeated herself.

I nodded quietly. I would pray for his wife.

I cried my way through the prayers. A part of me hoped that if I surrendered this to God, He would reward me with Ben.

Why are you asking this of me? I pleaded with God.

I’m preparing you for the next time you will do this.

My heart sank. That meant it would not work out for me.

What if I spent a lifetime praying for the men I cared about and never found anyone that prayed for me?

***

Don’t you know he’s out there praying for you? My therapist looked at me.

I looked at him, sobbing. No one is asking God for someone like me.

I could see the pain in his eyes when I said that.

Do you not see how wonderful you are?

I sat in my chair. Would anyone ever love me enough to intercede in prayer for me?

***

A friend asked me what he could pray for me for. I had spent the last hour fighting back tears.

Can you pray for my friend? I asked. Can you pray that he might love Jesus so fully that he experiences Him in a way he never has before?

My heart was breaking. It was Ben all over again but this time, I was different. This time, I would not insist on my own way. Even if he never chose me, I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have a wife who loved him.

But I really wanted someone to pray for me too. I wanted someone to care enough about me to pray for my spouse.

I didn’t say that though. I saved my prayer request for him. I needed someone to carry the burden with me.

I knew I wasn’t going to get the guy but I could at least pray for his happiness.

 

*Names have been changed

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