Can we talk about something? I asked my therapist one Thursday afternoon.
Sure, he responded.
I started hearing a voice telling me that I’m going to marry someone who has a girlfriend. I’ve never talked to him, never interacted with him. I’m really frustrated with this voice.
Here’s the problem: I have feelings for someone else and can feel myself opening up more to him. But he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, so there’s no moving forward.
Basically, I’m not sure if I’m getting sick again or if this is the voice of God. I don’t have any other symptoms of psychosis. But I just don’t think God would tell me that I’m going to be with someone who belongs to someone else.
The whole thing is stressing me out.
He listened intently. Let me ask you a question. When you tell yourself that God wouldn’t tell you you’re going to marry this guy with a girlfriend, does the voice go away?
He continued. Is this voice your voice or someone else’s voice?
My therapist sat back in his chair. Well, then I don’t think it’s psychosis but I do think you manifested a mild hallucination out of your anxiety.
I must have looked confused because he continued. You’re getting closer to this other guy, who hasn’t moved on from his ex. Even if there was no ex in the picture, given your relationship history, your natural tendency is to avoid real intimacy by creating false beliefs. Believing God has told you about someone specific that He has in store for you protects you from getting hurt, especially when the guy will always be a fantasy because he’s dating someone else.
That made sense. I didn’t hear the voice until after I found out he had a girlfriend.
I felt relieved.
So what do I do about this other guy? We live in community together. I can’t just walk away but I also can’t initiate a conversation with him about my feelings.
I started to cry. Because I couldn’t bear it if he rejected me.
If Jesus is enough, why can’t you bear rejection?
Tears rolled down my cheeks. Because my life is so good now! I don’t want to invite pain into my life.
My therapist shook his head. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t both seek comfort and want a relationship. All relationships take risk. Are you saying he’s not worth the risk?
I thought back to losing Ben. I loved him and lost him because I was honest. I can’t lose him. I’d rather him be with someone else and still be my friend than be honest and lose his friendship.
My therapist looked at me. Then appreciate the relationship for what it is. Nothing more until more happens, if it happens.
Our ten minute conversation had turned into forty minutes.
How can I pray for you? My friend asked over the phone.
I asked God quietly what I should have my friend pray for.
That you might know my Power in your life.
That I might know God’s power in my life. That I might see His majesty in a way I have never seen before. I don’t know what that means but that’s what He keeps saying.
My friend prayed over me and we hung up.
I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m expectant.