Second choice

I still remember the moment I knew it was over.

I was sitting in my car, after our last full conversation. Ben had told me he loved. He told me that he understood the connection we had. He told me he didn’t want to be with me.

I asked him why. Why wasn’t our connection enough?

He said, I don’t know. I just don’t feel that way about you.

I remember sitting in my car after it happened. I remember getting excited. I can move on. I can finally move on. I felt relieved. I felt ready.

But he haunted my dreams. Eight years since our first encounter, he still haunts my dreams.

***

I don’t think you should want to be someone’s second choice.

Britney said it. My sister said it.

They didn’t understand. They had never been in a situation like Ben and I. They had never lost something like Ben.

I wrung my hands early on after Ben and I finally parted ways. Would the man I marry always be my second best? Would I spend a lifetime wishing for Ben?

I prayed heavy and often, explaining to God why I needed to be with Ben. I can’t treat another man like he’s second best! I can’t do that.

It’s not that simple, Emily. It’s never that black and white.

I cried. I begged. I lost.

***

Sometimes, a heartbreak is just a heartbreak. Sometimes, it’s complete devastation. You question it for the rest of your life. You ask God why it had to happen the way it happened. Why couldn’t it have been simpler?

I drove down to Tucson yesterday, hoping just one last time that the story would change. But the story doesn’t change.

I read somewhere once that God only gives you what you would ultimately want if you knew everything He does.

His sovereignty is perfect. His design is flawless. Trust that.

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