What we value

When I was 20 years old, I met Kevin.

Kevin and I became fast friends. He had a girlfriend at the time but that didn’t stop me from developing feelings for him.

About 9 months after he broke up with his girlfriend, I professed my feelings for him.

He responded with a non-answer. He didn’t say either way how he felt about me, just that he was glad to hear I was interested and that he wanted to continue to have me in his life.

So for a year, one damn year, I played second best to his ex-girlfriend.

I was 20. I was clueless. I accepted the love I thought I deserved.


Okay, I call bullshit over all of this. My therapist said.

I had just got done explaining to him the situation. It was Kevin all over again. I professed my feelings for a guy with an ex-girlfriend in the picture. He didn’t confirm how he felt about me.

I was on a guy’s hook. Again. But this time, I was having none of it.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. – James 1:5

I had asked God for wisdom after I had told the guy I had feelings for him. I felt so uncomfortable afterwards. There was this nagging feeling that something was wrong.

And then I woke up this morning angry. Really angry. I had no idea why so I assumed God was trying to tell me something. So I asked Him.

Don’t you know you’re worth more than this?

Don’t you know I knit you in your mother’s womb and planned your steps?

Don’t you know I count you more precious than sparrows and collect your tears?

If you know this, why would you ever think that I would want you to be anyone’s second best? You are worth more than being an option for a man. You are worth being the only option.

I explained all of this to my therapist and ended with, it’s like Kevin all over again. To which he responded with, bullshit.

Why? I asked.

Because this is a totally different situation. He said. Can you see what the difference is?

I thought for a second. The only difference I see is me. At 20, it took me a year to assert my own value. This time, it took me a week.

My therapist smiled. Exactly! You’re different. 

He continued. It’s okay for someone to be confused about who they should be with but if this man is valuing you as someone he’ll consider dating if he doesn’t get the girl he really wants, that’s not okay. That’s not treating you well.

He paused. And the best part is that I didn’t have to tell you that. You trusted God enough to give you the wisdom and discernment to see that a relationship with this man would not glorify God. 

A part of me felt liberated. A part of me wants to punch that guy in the face. (I can’t stand men who treat women like they’re here for men’s pleasure. I might actually hit him. Pray self-control for me.)

My therapist asked me one last question. What would you tell a friend who was in the same situation you’re in to do?

I sat up. I would tell her she needs to tell the guy she needs to either be his only option or no option at all. Christ didn’t die on the cross for you so that you could be a man’s doormat.

My therapist grinned at me.


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