It was the summer of 2014 and I was grieving.
I was grieving my mess.
I tend to make a mess of things.
Children that come from a background of abuse usually make a mess of things.
When we get scared, we push boundaries. We push to see how far we can go before you walk away.
It’s immature. It’s needy. It’s understandable.
I had hurt so many people in such a short amount of time and so I was grieving.
What do I want?
I asked God one day for what I wanted. Could He bless me with a man so kind, so understanding, so patient, that when I push, he pushes me back. He says no. He says I love you and you can’t behave this way. We are going to get through this.
More than a love story, I wanted a man who loved me enough that when I acted out of my wounds, he wouldn’t walk away. He wouldn’t let me off the hook either.
If I had been Peter, I would have tried to walk on water too. I would have wanted to be so much like Jesus. I would have wanted a deeper, unique connection to Him.
When I was 18, my stepdad got diagnosed with two forms of cancer at the same time. He was an alcoholic and often took things out on me emotionally and verbally.
You would think that, for someone I had struggled to love most of my life, I would think he had gotten his just desserts.
But I didn’t. The night he told us he was dying, I retreated to the computer room and cried out to God.
If you would heal my dad, I will serve him fully and take all his abuse.
I was faithful to that promise. For two years, I served my stepdad with everything I had. And there were times when he was kind and introspective. And there were times he reminded me just how worthless he thought I was.
I experienced walking on water with Jesus. I thought often of what it must have been like for Jesus to serve Judas, knowing what He knew. Did He cry, knowing Judas’ fate? Did He think about the times Judas and He laughed or the times Judas was kind? Was it difficult to love Judas, knowing his ultimate betrayal?
I prayed earnestly for my stepdad. I cleaned up after him when he got sick. I cooked meals and cleaned the house.
And I would retreat to my room at the end of a long day and cry away every hurtful thing my stepdad had said. I would seek fellowship with God and sought His comfort.
And then I would wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
I was walking on water with my creator.
And on one particularly bad day, I asked God why He would ask me to do this. And He made me a promise.
One day, there will be a man who will see your heart and want you. I’m preparing you for him.
And I remember shaking it off. I didn’t want to get married.
I’m still walking on water. Every time I tell someone I like them.
You see, God gave me a bold heart. I don’t have feelings for a guy often but when I do, I can’t help but say something.
And someday, I’m hoping the guy on the other end of the conversation says yes.