An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear future husband,

I’ve wanted to write this for awhile but I haven’t had the courage. I’ve been too afraid of what people would say if I was really honest about how I feel. Waiting for you.

I’m angry. I’ve moved from desperate to hopeful to sad to flat out angry. I’m angry you’re not here yet. I’m angry so many men have crossed my path and chosen other women.

I’m angry. So damn angry.

I’ve chased after weak-willed men and men who couldn’t see past my disability. I’ve flirted with men who just wanted sex and brazenly gotten in the way of men with girlfriends.

I’m no saint. This is not an open letter detailing how awesome I am.

The other day, I thought of you. Who you must be. And who you’re not.

I want to live a life on fire for Jesus. I’m reckless in how far I’ll go for Him. And I sobbed my way through explaining to a man I deeply care about that he will never understand that. Because most people don’t.

Most people will waste their whole lives never bothering to multiply what they’ve been given. They are the man in the parable with the gold coin who buries the coin to protect it. And when the master returns, he has nothing to show of his efforts.

I may not be able to change the world but I can leave people and places better than how I found them.

I can take the little God has given me and multiply the hell out of it.

He died for me. How could I not give Him everything I have?

I like this man. I like him a lot. But as I was driving home tonight, tears streamed down my eyes. Because I love Jesus more.

I love Jesus so much that I can’t be with this man.

Because I would die for Christ. I would. Everything in me burns with the heartfelt desire to see Christ move mountains. To see the ground shake under me with His power.

I would pick up and move to Africa if that’s what God asked of me.

So I can’t be with him. Because he doesn’t share that heart. And honestly, this letter is to tell you that if you are not willing to suffer for Christ, I can’t marry you.

I can’t. Jesus didn’t die for me so that I could be married. He died so that I could have life.

If you are willing to suffer for Christ, then pursue a life with me. Because marrying me means you will suffer greatly for His glory. Because my ultimate goal in life is to serve recklessly for God. Anything short of that is a waste of a life.

Love,

Your future wife

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