Faith and Other Things

I sat in my women’s group, reflecting on the season of life I was in versus the season of life I had been in.

I was bored. I was content with my job. I had solid friendships. I had my business. Life was stable and I was going with the flow.

I missed the rush. The rush of following God whenever, wherever.

I told the girls my stories. I told them about how I moved to Phoenix with $30 to my name and all my luggage packed in my CRV. I told them about needing food to eat and God providing groceries through a pastor and his wife. I told them about how, months before I moved to Phoenix, I had collected moving boxes because I was planning to move to California and when I realized that I would be moving to Phoenix instead, I had just enough boxes to move.

I talked about a God so big and powerful that He ordains our steps. A God so wise that He puts the things we need right in front of us. He leaves nothing to chance.

How could you trust anything other than that God?

And I was bored. Complacent really. I had settled into a routine but I was unwilling to move forward until I heard directly from God in such a way that I could not mistake my mental illness for it.

Because routine is not a bad thing. Staying consistent is not a bad thing. But God asks big and wonderful things of us. He asks us to walk on water. He expects us to trust Him.

I left the women’s group unsettled. I could feel my heart wrestling with a storm brewing.

I wondered what that storm could be.

***

I got the news the very next day. I could not have my business and work for my current job at the same time.

I panicked. I ran to all my advisors. What was I going to do?

My business is not in competition with my current job but there is the potential for an overlap of clients.

It was not until someone told me to keep my job that I knew what I would have to do.

I had to quit. I had to walk away. I could not serve both God and this job. To cling to the security of this job over what God has called me to do would be idolatry. Plain and simple.

I had no job lined up. I had limited savings. But I had just told the girls before: God is faithful. Even if my business failed flat on its face, it was still better to choose God over financial security.

I’m the girl who moved to Phoenix with $30 in her pocket because that’s what God had asked of her. As much as I tell everyone I didn’t have a choice, you always have a choice. I could have reconciled with my family before I was ready or gone to a shelter. I could have called up people I was avoiding and asked for help.

But I didn’t do any of that because I knew what God was asking of me. He had been asking me to move here for months. I knew, deep down, that I was holding on to Tucson as my security. And I was wrong.

This time is no different. I had known for months God was asking me to walk away and I had refused for the same reason I initially refused to move to Phoenix.

I needed a clear sign.

And dangit, God was faithful once again.

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