I’m not sure how to explain 2018 to people. In one year, I went from starting a ministry to losing my faith to coming home.
Starting a ministry
I had ended 2017 with an epiphany. I had just gone through a cancer scare and it woke me up to how stagnant my life had become.
Something you should probably know about me: I have attempted suicide five times in my life. Four times as a teenager. Once as an adult.
I just never thought I’d live this long.
I still remember a woman asking me if I thought about who I would be at an old age. And I remember retorting, Why do you assume you’ll live that long?
Much of my life has been plan-less. I’ve had very little ambition and even less follow through. I just loved making things with my hands. I got great joy over playing with fabric and jewelry and paints. I had an eye for things to go together that probably shouldn’t.
I moved towards this dream I had of guiding churches and building leaders.
My joyous crafts could be hobbies. I had to do big things for God.
Losing my faith
I lost the battle to my own addictions this year. I gave into temptation. I walked away from God, quite literally, as I screamed that I could not trust Him to care for me.
It’s amazing what sin can do. The thief certainly does come to steal, kill and destroy and it did so effortlessly.
I think I had wanted to implode for a while. It was this tension I felt constantly since that fateful December morning in 2015 when I was asked to leave my church in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had never truly allowed myself to get angry at the one in control of it all: God.
That anger erupted in 2018. With clenched fists, I gave into sin because ultimately, I believed God did not see me worth being rescued.
All it takes is one bad decision to completely wreck your life.
That’s what happened to me. I became a toxic shell of the person I had once been.
And I kept trying to repent, but God cannot be fooled. The only reason I would repent is because I wanted the blessings I believed I would receive in repentance.
You will find Jesus when you seek Him for who He is, not what you can get from Him.
It happened while I was spending the Christmas holiday with my family. I was repainting an old end table with my mom when I felt my icy heart start to melt. It was at the fabric store when my heart leap out of my skin with joy and excitement.
I laid in bed late at night in tears over the decisions I needed to make. I started to pray, really pray, for the first time in months. And it was sitting in a new church that Sunday, because I am now church shopping for the first time in my life, when the pastor said what I needed to hear:
You can always come home.
I sat with God and took off my old skin. I laid down my sin, my shame, my mistakes, my disappointments. I came home.
I enrolled in fashion design school two days later.