Truth be told, I haven’t trusted much in God’s sovereignty. Not the way I should have been doing.

For most of my life, I was told I was not worthy of the love I craved. I was told that if anyone really knew me, they wouldn’t want me.

And so I kept everyone at arm’s length. It wasn’t until years later that I realized just how little I believed God loved me. I kept God at arm’s length.

But we’re made for relationship, right? So this played itself out in my relationship with men. I was always the one to make the first move. I made sure I was always around the guy I liked. I initiated conversations and text messages. I had men in my life who robbed me of my understanding of my worth. Men who spent hours taking me to lunch and dinner but never committed. Men who would talk with me late into the night in my apartment, violating boundaries I didn’t even know I had.

close up of padlocks hanging on heart shape

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And with each rejection and abuse of relationship, I grew more controlling and less trusting of God.

Last year, I spent a season in therapy and I started to see the places where my lack of understanding of my identity in Christ was allowing me to be used as well as justifying my unwillingness to trust God.

I took a step back. At almost 30 years old, I have never had a healthy relationship with a boyfriend. And God was sovereign in that.

Our Father is good even when the situation sucks and He wastes nothing.

Most of my friends don’t know this, but up until a few weeks ago, I was dating someone. He was kind and sweet; but ultimately, I knew it wouldn’t work. He expected me to lead, me to pursue, me to send the text messages and plan the dates. Weirdly enough, the situation was healing. It allowed me to step back and sense the presence of God in this. That God would want me to know I am worth pursuit. I am worth being loved.

I am not a passive participant in my own love story. I have a choice in who I date and bless God for closing every messed up door I’ve tried to walk through.

A few years ago, I had a dream that my husband was on bended knee, praying for me. It was at a time in my life where marriage wasn’t even on my mind.

I may not get married and God will still be good. But if it is His plan, I hope he prays on bended knee.

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