There was a time in my life when I was a prolific writer. I was in the process of deep healing and felt the need to share my story. As I’ve healed more, the less I’ve shared my story. The less my life has been marked by the abuse I went through and the more I have looked to the future.
But in the last week, God has continued to impress upon me the need to share the story of Him in my life.
I’m not even really sure where to begin.
Maybe I should start with last week.
Last week, I thought a relationship was going to start. I should be more clear. I thought a relationship with a man was going to start. And I was panicked. I started shaking and crying and I was angry and confused. The word no, please no floated around my head. As someone who has spent the last several years desiring a real relationship, my response came as a shock.
Until I remembered my parents. You know, the ones who had an affair when I was six and left their spouses for each other. The parents who told me growing up that you could marry the wrong person and meet the right person at the wrong time. The parents who weren’t Christian but would say that you had to pay very close attention to what God wanted because you could make the wrong decision and God would have to clean it up.
Yes, last week I realized what a total hot mess I really was. I saw every crack and bump and irrational fear. Even with all the counseling I’ve done, I still don’t trust God’s sovereignty. I don’t trust He loves me enough to hold me in His sovereignty.
And today, as I sat in church listening to the sermon, I realized I had not accepted the love and grace God has been holding out to me with open palms. I realized that until I accept God at His word, I would always be trying to earn His blessings. I would always be in fear of His sovereignty.
At the end of the day, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with this man, not romantically anyway. But I also knew that the love of my life could show up tomorrow and I would still run away in fear. Basically, anytime I perceive that a guy might be interested, I feel like a caged bird. I want to run. I can’t breathe. That’s why I’ve only ever been super into guys that aren’t into me. Because there’s no risk.
In the span of 30 years, there are so many aspects to the story God has been playing in my life. This is a part of my story I don’t talk about very much. To be honest, all talk about relationships aside, the bigger issue is that I don’t have a heart knowledge of the sovereignty of God. There’s a big reason for that.
But I’m not quite ready to share that story yet.