As I sit in my bedroom writing this, I’m wrestling between a heart of gratitude and the weight of loss heavy on my heart.
Who knew at the beginning of this year what this year would cost?
Every year, I make a vision board but I let the Holy Spirit guide what I put on it. Each year, it has served as a prophetic word for the year to come. This year, however, I was unable to make my vision board. I’m left wondering if anything could have been predicted beforehand. Perhaps it would have prepared me for heartache.
There were good things that happened this year. I adopted two puppies. They have saved me from myself, as despair led me to seriously consider suicide. They licked my tears and distracted me from how lonely I was. They’ve given me belly laughs and comforted me late at night.
But I lost myself this year. I requested a new supervisor in April when I realized my feelings for my boss had reached levels I was not prepared for. For seven months, I’ve been both blessed and cursed by the separation from him. Ultimately, I never wanted to fall for someone so unattainable and I am still grieving the loss of something I never had.
I don’t know what 2021 holds. I think we need better days. I at least plan to do a vision board this year. I do not want to be unprepared.