I lay in bed all day. I cannot eat. I cannot watch TV. I avoid social media at all costs. It is May 7, 2016. The day he is getting married. I don't love him but my heart aches with a pain I cannot understand. I imagine the venue, the people, his suit, her dress. … Continue reading First choice
Over the next few days/weeks, I will be posting blog posts from my old blog. A part of me wants to remember the girl before the illness, before the diagnosis. This particular piece is from June 16, 2015. I am sitting on a hard mattress in a cottage in sunny California. It's the last … Continue reading How to be confident when you are an orange in a barrel of apples
So I couldn't get out of bed yesterday. I wasn't depressed. I was overwhelmed with so much joy that I couldn't contain it all. I had spent the day before dancing in public. Dancing at the office. Dancing in the checkout line at the movie theater. Today, I want to run. My legs literally hurt … Continue reading Dancing
I never talk about Wally. I think it’s because I really didn’t understand what had happened or why I was the way I was. Looking back, this was right around the time I started getting sick. My brain was making connections to things it shouldn’t. It started with a dating site a friend had encouraged … Continue reading Why I’m grateful for the zookeeper
I was sitting in my therapist's office, explaining to him why I push. I'm an advocate. I told him, as if that explained everything. And advocates are results-oriented. He responded. Yes!! Absolutely!!! I want to know that what I do has an effect. He smiled at me. But results aren't in your control. That's God's … Continue reading Mistakes
A few weeks before my life changed forever, I attended a women's retreat through my church. By that point, I was already hollow inside. I had spent the drive up listening to the girlfriend of the guy I was in love with gush about their relationship. I wanted so desperately to move on. On the … Continue reading Jesus and Coffee
I laid in bed late last night, unable to sleep. I was thinking about Holy Saturday. I know we celebrate Good Friday and Easter Sunday but we don't really talk about Holy Saturday. We don't talk about the day all seemed lost. *** A pastor's wife told me that she could see that one day, … Continue reading Reclaiming myself on Easter Sunday
I used to go to this church where the pastor talked about how each of us reflects aspects of God's character more vividly than others. We all know that person that is so full of grace and forgiveness. There's the person who cultivates community better than others. A mother who nutures the people around her. … Continue reading Reflecting God
So I've been working in nonprofit for 13 years but I really didn't start getting professionally challenged until I started working at my first Center for Independent Living. I had a boss that I both loved and she also drove me a little crazy. She was deeply in love with Jesus and knew that I … Continue reading Grace.
I've been praying heavily for a miracle, just anything to bring reconciliation between the church I got kicked out of and myself. When I was in the hospital, I had to share my story over and over. Doctors. Nurses. The chaplain. I waited for everyone to tell me what my sin was. How much I … Continue reading Different.
About a month ago, I made a decision to shave my head. It had been a slow progression towards this decision. A few weeks before I went into the hospital, I had my hair shaved into a a long mohawk. I had hair down past my shoulders. I spent every other day blowing it out. … Continue reading Beautiful.
You know what I rarely talk about? My sin. The things I've done in my past. I think it's because I'm scared of being judged. Here's go nothing. I'm a homewrecker. No, I've never tried to steal a woman's husband but I have absolutely tried to steal a girl's boyfriend. I've done this exactly twice … Continue reading I walk down a different street.