I've always wanted the choice taken away from me. I don't want to pick my job. Where I live. My husband. I want God to remove all options from me so I don't have to choose. I thought I was being holy. I thought I was being wise. Isn't it full surrender to release any … Continue reading Choice
Can we talk about something? I asked my therapist one Thursday afternoon. Sure, he responded. I started hearing a voice telling me that I'm going to marry someone who has a girlfriend. I've never talked to him, never interacted with him. I'm really frustrated with this voice. Here's the problem: I have feelings for someone … Continue reading A Therapy Session
I sat in my car before my job interview, on the phone with a friend. I think he likes me. I’m not sure. I kind of feel like I should talk to him about it. I could hear her shaking her head. Emily, just be. If he likes you, just let him pursue things. You … Continue reading Just be.
Over the next few days/weeks, I will be posting blog posts from my old blog. A part of me wants to remember the girl before the illness, before the diagnosis. This particular piece is from August 8, 2015. About this time a year ago, I was having quite the identity crisis. God had been … Continue reading Free to be me and you
I don’t talk about Ben much these days. I think I’ve moved on past that time in my life but then something will happen and I’ll be brought back to being 21 and in love with one of my favorite people. When I met Ben, he was trying to win back his ex-girlfriend. He wouldn’t … Continue reading Prayers
Someone told me once when I first diagnosed to not always believe everything my brain is telling me. It was probably one of the wisest pieces of advice I had received, I got into a discussion earlier this week over the topic of signs from God. I'm not a fan of this concept. Truthfully, I … Continue reading Whisper.
Over the next few days/weeks, I will be posting blog posts from my old blog. A part of me wants to remember the girl before the illness, before the diagnosis. This particular piece is from June 30, 2015. Over the last two days, my entire body has hurt. Hurt so good. My heart has been … Continue reading Santification Grace Overflowing
I lay in bed all day. I cannot eat. I cannot watch TV. I avoid social media at all costs. It is May 7, 2016. The day he is getting married. I don't love him but my heart aches with a pain I cannot understand. I imagine the venue, the people, his suit, her dress. … Continue reading First choice
Over the next few days/weeks, I will be posting blog posts from my old blog. A part of me wants to remember the girl before the illness, before the diagnosis. This particular piece is from June 16, 2015. I am sitting on a hard mattress in a cottage in sunny California. It's the last … Continue reading How to be confident when you are an orange in a barrel of apples
So I couldn't get out of bed yesterday. I wasn't depressed. I was overwhelmed with so much joy that I couldn't contain it all. I had spent the day before dancing in public. Dancing at the office. Dancing in the checkout line at the movie theater. Today, I want to run. My legs literally hurt … Continue reading Dancing
I never talk about Wally. I think it’s because I really didn’t understand what had happened or why I was the way I was. Looking back, this was right around the time I started getting sick. My brain was making connections to things it shouldn’t. It started with a dating site a friend had encouraged … Continue reading Why I’m grateful for the zookeeper
I was sitting in my therapist's office, explaining to him why I push. I'm an advocate. I told him, as if that explained everything. And advocates are results-oriented. He responded. Yes!! Absolutely!!! I want to know that what I do has an effect. He smiled at me. But results aren't in your control. That's God's … Continue reading Mistakes