So I’m still waiting on finding out if I have breast cancer or not but in the meantime, it’s been interesting to see what things have come up for me.
Of all my biggest regrets, it’s been my dating life. I’ve had one relationship that lasted eight months but the rest have been a series of first and second dates. I’ve never dated anyone I’ve been super passionate about.
I’ve been in love once with a guy that I didn’t date. He said he loved me too and hoped that I would meet someone that loved me as much as he did. He just wasn’t ready to date and by the time he was, he didn’t want me.
Sometimes, I wonder if he was full of it. I say yes. I hate to admit it but I used to put up with an obscene amount of bullcrap. The more I have learned to love myself, the less crap I tolerate.
So I’ve dated a lot but I haven’t dated well. The one thing people really don’t know about me is that despite the fact that I dated someone for eight months, I have never kissed anyone.
I’ve never even held hands with anyone.
My longest relationship was with someone who was not affectionate.
Before last week, I hadn’t told anyone that before. I’ve been really ashamed.
Here’s the thing: I never intended to wait to kiss someone. Before you start in with how honorable it is that I’ve waited, know that it wasn’t on purpose.
And I was doing okay with it until it hit me that I could die before I get a chance to be loved by someone. I wasn’t okay with that.
My married friends have all told me the same thing. They tell me how lucky I am that it hasn’t happened yet. They say I’ll be grateful if the only man I kiss is my husband. They told me that being affectionate with other men can lead you to feel less satisfied when you get married.
But is it awful that I don’t care? I feel like an alien. I am almost thirty and I’ve never held hands with someone. What if I die before that happens?
I know. I know. I know. Christ’s love needs to be enough. Heaven needs to be enough. But is it terrible that I still want to experience romantic love before I die?
Someone told me recently that I should desire Christ alone and that I should disregard my desire for marriage. I think there’s this sentiment among Christians that in order to be Godly, you must forsake the desires of your heart. I disagree with that. I actually think that’s a very Buddhist mentality, this idea of releasing your desires. I believe it’s possible to have a hunger for things but at the same time, seek God first. And I think it’s a balancing act. I think both the desires of your heart and your love for Christ can coexist.
I think it’s important to grieve heartache and rejection, grieve the life you don’t get to have. Just don’t stay there. I said in a recent blog post that I used to ask people their love stories and how I saw recurring themes. When people suffer real rejection, a lot of times God has already opened another door. You’re just not paying attention. Stop beating down a closed door expecting that if you knock hard enough, it’ll open. That rarely happens.
I don’t know what’s next for me but I know things usually become darkest right before a breakthrough.
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