When I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being a mother. I dreamed about caring for a child. As someone with a disability, I was often surrounded by other children with disabilities. More often than not, these children were in the foster care system or had been adopted. So as a little girl, my dreams of my child always involved adopting a child. As a teen, I often dreamed of being this woman. I saw her in my head all the time.
This woman was a mother to many, adopting children but also fostering dozens of other children. I wanted to be that woman.
Weirdly for my personality (if you know me, I can be quite the blabber-mouth), I didn’t tell anyone of my dreams. With my disability, I thought no one would give me a child and you throw in mental illness, forget about it.
It stayed in the back of my mind for years. Honestly, I think that’s a big part of why I wanted to get married so bad. I thought if I had someone by my side, I could foster children. I never said it out loud but I actively looked for men that seemed like the type that could love children that weren’t their own. I was waiting until marriage for my life to start.
And then about two weeks ago, I was sitting in my living room, reflecting on all the men I had cared for, obsessed over and prayed for and I was just so exhausted. How much of my life had been squandered away because I had placed all my hopes and dreams on men who never gave me a second thought.
It was one of those a-ha moments, where you look at your life and question the direction your life has been going. What the heck am I doing? I sat on the couch, questioning everything. It was in this moment I made the decision to move on with my life, to walk away from this striving for fulfillment.
If you’ve read my blog for any given amount of time, you know I have prayed for, yearned, sought after and questioned my dream of working in full-time ministry. What if my ministry had been right in front of me the whole time and I had not received it because I was too busy chasing what I thought would be my saving grace?
Could I walk away from everything I thought I needed and move forward without fear towards something bigger than myself? What if the life God has in store for me is bigger than marriage?
There are few times in my life where I have prayed and God has answered my prayers swiftly. I asked God for answers and provision. While I don’t believe this is always true in every situation, this time I needed God to open the doors with ease. Resistance meant to me that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve spent most of my life living in resistance, persevering through some pretty heavy deserts. Somehow, I knew that I needed God to make this easy, as easy as becoming a foster parent could be (sarcasm added here).
For the first time in my life, I’m watching the pieces come together with ease. Practical and emotional needs are being met and I have never been more calm than I am right now.
Sometimes, I think we put life on hold for things God never promised us. But Scripture says Seek my kingdom first and these things will be added to you. I realized I needed to repent of this heart that had been seeking everything else first before being obedient.
So I’m moving forward with what God has asked of me, following a dream I’ve had since I was a little girl. And that’s pretty exciting.